Monday, January 16, 2017

And then came the workaholic faze... End of depression / Start the decision making

Hello beautiful people,
The last few months have been a little too busy, so I couldn't find the time to post or read any posts, even if I wish I had.
An half a year ago (maybe more), I got a new job and since then I've been working hard to learn everything there is to know and give my best.
 Giving the fact that I didn't have any experience  in this field of work, I'm pretty proud of myself since I've successfully managed to reach the level where I can run and manage my own store.
It's been hard but my boss really likes me and my coworkers love working with me.
It all comes at a price off course.  I have no free time, I bring my work home, have to get up really, REALLY! early and I get pretty tired. But I love it. I love being this good at my job (even if that doesn't mean I get more money, just more work). I feel confident, independent and like I can do anything.
And people notice it and notice me.
So, yeah, I'm a workaholic now.
I'm not depressed  anymore and I'm living my life - at list more than I used to.
I still have a few things bugging me and the biggest one is the fact that my husband and I fell out of love.
Don't get me wrong, we love each other more than anything and we are not separating, but we are not in love with each other. We love each other as you love a family member, friend. And we are a family. But it's not enough for me. I want to want him, to feel chills when he touches me, kisses me. But  we hardly kiss. We just have emotionless sex. And I tried to talk to him about it. To work on us. But he didn't see me and didn't hear me.
So, I do have a confession to make. At one moment I did cheat on him with one guy. I didn't sleep with him, we just kissed a few times, but I did have a little crush on him. I think that I liked him because he made me feel wanted and he never gave up even if I told him no every time., and I think I chose him (there were and are a lot more guys that are currently trying to catch my attention)  because I knew that it wouldn't work. We were a bad combination.
I know it was a wrong thing to do considering my status., but at the same time it was the right thing to do for me.
I always lived by self imposed rules doing things to please others, putting my wants and needs aside.  I wanted to be perfect for everyone, to make everyone happy. But I wasn't happy.
One day I decided to give myself one month to do what I want, when I wanted, without restraining myself. And not to feel guilty because of it. Like I had two life's. To make my happiness my number one priority. So I wanted to go to coffee with the guy, so I went. I wanted to kiss him, so I also did that , too.
It felt strange, kissing someone else after six years and honestly it felt like I pressured myself to do it. But it did make me happy at the time. And people noticed that I was glowing. Guilt was there (i couldn't block it entirely)  and still is, but I would do it all over again, because I needed it.
I had a month to decide what I wanted. Did I want a divorce or to try and fix what was broken.
One night on a public bus, I had a serious talk with my other half. He noticed that something was off and he wouldn't stop asking me what was wrong and why was I sad. I told him that I wasn't happy in our marriage. We talked a lot. That's when we told each other that we weren't in love, but we decided to fight. What we have is to much precious to lose. I just hope we can win, because I can't imagine life without him.  He was there when no one else was. He never left and loved me at my worst. He knows me and I know him. He became my family, my home. He is my safe place.

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Depression - Life on hold

I started writing again, which is a good thing? Not blog posts, obviously, since there weren't any updates if you don't include this one. I write love stories basically with some serious drama and taboo (not that it is important).
I'm really depressed, and I put my life on hold if  I can put it that way.
When my mom calls and asks how am I and if anything happened today my answer is always the same:
I'm fine, drinking coffee, everything is the same.
I sleep during the day and am awake during the night and it has been that way for a while now. And I sleep alot if I forgot to mention that , much more than needed.
 What I do this days is : sleep , drink coffee, eat whatever (really whatever, I don't enjoy it,  don't really taste it, and don't really care), watch some series, read some books, or write, sometimes I do the dishess, put my headphones and listen to some music while in bed until I eventually fall asleep again., sometimes I have sex with my husband , but I'm not really in a mood anymore. When this pattern started I wanted to have sex multiple times a day, but now thats changed.
I'm kind off tired of this depression and I know for a fact that my life is passing right in front of me but I can't find the strainght to get up and live my life.
And do you know whats funny? Ok, not really funny , but whatever.
I don't know why am I depressed.
I had a shitty childhood and had to grow up early.,and I had an eating disorder because of it but I went through all of that and faced all the things I didn't want to admit to myself.  And my life is kind off okey right now, it's way better than it used to be. And it could be even better if I manage to get out of this hell of depression I'm in.
I really don't understand why now.
I used to be depressed before, too when I was a teen and had E.D. and a crappy life. Believe me when I say crappy is an understatment. But it wasn't like this. Back then I was angry, sad, wanted to die and was a cutter amung all other. Now I'm just kind off lifeless.
I don't know how to start.
Maybe I never did learn how to live a normal life without all the drama and abuse or maybe I just have some mental problems I wasn't aware of .
Either way I need help.

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Smoking again

I begun smoking again. I know it is stupid to throw two years of staying off them, but I so wanted it.
I know I'll be able to quit again, but can't do that right now.
I kind off miss my former self., The things I did, how I acted.
I don't write anymore, don't watch ftv, don't read fashion magazines, don't read that much of anything.
I don't know who I am anymore.
It's like I'm fading and not in a good way.